Why doesn't anyone like me? Answer Two

This is the second answer to this question, intended to help a "tough" child who seems to actively cultivate dislike in others by his or her behavior and/or attitudes. See Answer One, intended to help a "gentle" child understand that sometimes people dislike other people for no apparent reason at all.

Well, think about the way you treat people. It's awful hard to like someone who says hurtful things or who does mean things that hurt people or who always has to have everything her own way. Would you like someone who calls you names or yells at you or insults you or grabs things out of your hands? Would you like someone who punches you or kicks you or bites you or takes your things without asking you and then breaks them into little pieces? Would you like someone who bossed you around all the time or who would never do anything you wanted to do? Of course not! You'd be mad at that person all the time, wouldn't you? Well, these are the things you do to other people, even if you don't realize that you're doing them. You and I both know you are a good person at heart and don't mean to do these things. But you and I also both know that you do them without even thinking about how other people might feel about it. Well, if you want people to like you, you have to stop doing and saying things that make other people mad or hurt their feelings. And you have to let other people have their way sometimes. You have to act as if their friendship is as important to you as you think it really is. You have to behave as if you want people to like you. That means saying nice things to them instead of hurtful things and doing good things for them instead of doing mean things to them and doing things they like to do as cheerfully as you do things you like to do. It means you have to think of other people's feelings as much as you think of your own feelings. And that isn't easy to do! People don't dislike other people just because they feel like it, you know. People dislike other people because they dislike the things they do. Some kids, and even some grown-ups, can't make the distinction between what a person does and what a person is. So if you do mean things or say hurtful things often enough, they begin to think you are mean and hurtful even if you're not. That's when they decide they don't like you. All you have to do is decide whether or not having friends is worth doing and saying the good and kind things. If it isn't worth it to you, then you'll go on feeling unhappy because people don't like you. If it is worth it, and if you actually make the effort to do and say the good and kind things, why then you'll suddenly discover that lots of people like you. But it's entirely up to you. It isn't going to be easy to change your behavior, but I think you can do it if you really want to. It comes down to having to make a choice between behaving the way you do now and behaving the way nice people behave, that's all. It's a hard choice, isn't it?

A reader wrote to reprimand me for telling a child he doesn't behave well. I was told that I could do irreparable harm to the child's self-esteem by being as critical as I am here.

Frankly, I think one of the major problems with today's youngsters is that adults are so afraid of damaging their self-esteem that they ruin the child's ego in the process. If you don't tell a child what he is doing wrong, he won't know to correct it.

If he doesn't correct it, he'll eventually find himself in serious trouble... because the kind of behavior that is simply unpleasant at ages 4 or 5 can be downright dangerous at 14 and 15.

Ask the kids at Columbine High if you don't believe me.